DEAR ALI: which of the Positive Childhood Experiences is the most important?
- AliChorley
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
New research about the 7 Positive Childhood Experiences is emerging daily! If you haven't had a chance to check out our page on PCEs, you can find it here! But in the meantime, let's get to this great question because although the PCEs have a cumulative effect (meaning the more PCEs one has, the stronger effect they have in buffering negative outcomes), I do think there is an answer!
When we talk about childhood, it's common to focus on what can go wrong—trauma, stress, or adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). But research in recent years has brought a more hopeful perspective into focus: Positive Childhood Experiences (PCEs).
PCEs are the building blocks of resilience. They are the nurturing, consistent, and empowering moments that help children grow into emotionally healthy, connected, and confident adults—even in the face of adversity. But among the many PCEs, one stands out as especially vital:
Having at least one stable, nurturing relationship with a supportive adult.
Whether it’s a parent, grandparent, coach, teacher, neighbor, or mentor, this single relationship has the power to change a child’s life. In fact, studies show that even one consistent, caring adult can dramatically reduce the long-term effects of trauma or stress in childhood.
Why This Relationship Matters Most
A stable, nurturing adult provides more than just comfort. They become a buffer against life's hardships—a steady presence a child can count on no matter what’s happening around them. Here’s what this kind of relationship offers:
Emotional Safety: Children learn to regulate their emotions by co-regulating with calm, supportive adults. When someone listens, soothes, and validates them, they begin to understand their feelings—and how to manage them.
Trust and Attachment: Healthy relationships teach kids that the world can be safe and that people can be trusted. This sense of security becomes the blueprint for future relationships.
A Strong Sense of Self-Worth: A child who feels seen and valued by a caring adult grows up believing they matter. That belief influences everything—from academic performance to mental health to relationships.
Protection Against Toxic Stress: Chronic stress, especially when experienced without support, can disrupt a child’s brain development. But a loving adult helps calm the nervous system and gives children tools to cope.
It’s Not About Being Perfect—It’s About Being Present
You don’t need to have all the right answers, and you won’t always know exactly what to say. What matters most is showing up consistently, listening with compassion, and creating a safe space for a child to feel loved and accepted.
Sometimes we underestimate the power of small, everyday moments—reading a bedtime story, showing up to a school event, asking how their day was, or offering a hug after a tough moment. These aren’t just routines—they’re protective factors that help kids feel connected, grounded, and valued.
The Other PCEs Still Matter
Feeling safe at home
Feeling supported at school
Having opportunities for fun
Belonging in a community or group
Being able to talk to family about feelings
Having traditions and routines
All of these experiences contribute to a strong foundation. But none of them are likely to thrive without a caring adult at the center. In fact, many of these PCEs stem from or are made possible by the presence of a nurturing adult.
What You Can Do Today
If you’re a parent, caregiver, or adult who interacts with kids regularly, here are a few things to keep in mind:
Be consistent. Even short, reliable interactions (a daily check-in or bedtime routine) build security. We call them 'happy chats' in our family. Most nights, I circle around my kiddos at bedtime and ask them about their day. This one-on-one interaction is so important for both of us. It fosters a sense of connectedness and provides an opportunity to debrief anything that happens throughout the day. My kids are often frustrated with me if we don't have enough time for our nightly happy chats!
Listen more than you talk. Let them know their voice matters. I have to constantly remind myself to 'listen to understand instead of listening to respond.' It is so easy to get stuck in solve-mode. I try to stay in soothe-mode instead as much as possible.
Be curious, not critical. When a child struggles, approach with empathy, not judgment. I often forget how much my kids need to learn
Name their strengths. Help them see their own resilience. This is SO powerful! Reflect back their strengths to them so they can see themselves through your eyes!
Take care of yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Model what self-care and emotional regulation look like. There are lots of studies about how this could be one of the most important parts of parenting - taking care of ourselves so we can take care of our people. It actually improves our kids' well-being when we focus on our own!
The Bottom Line
Every child needs at least one person who is unconditionally in their corner. If you can be that person—or help connect a child to someone who can—you’re not just changing their childhood. You’re helping shape a healthier, more resilient future. In a world full of uncertainty, your presence could be the most powerful source of stability and hope in a child’s life.
